Hmmm. There’s no name or anything on it. Looks like it still works, though. Let’s see. The 2 Gigs of memory seem to be pretty full. Christmas music, Christmas music, MORE Christmas music, and… The Protomen? That’s weird. It looks like whoever dropped this used the built-in microphone for voice memos, too. Maybe one of them has the owner saying his name or something. I’ll just listen to one at random.

“Reports from the workshop say production is way ahead of schedule this year. Excellent news, especially around this time of year. Still attempting to brainstorm more eco-friendly alternatives to coal.”

Strange. That voice… It’s definitely an older gentlemen. Slightly gruff, yet so magically familiar.

“Did my annual random mall appearance in New Jersey this year. Their usual guy was pretty grateful to get a day off. It’s good to reconnect with the kids. I even sang a few carols with the folks in line. Some of the parents stopped me later to tell me how ‘convincing’ and ‘professional’ I was.”

Okay, that was slightly creepy. Must be some Christmas nutjob or something. I’ll try one more.

“I tell you, no matter how many times I hear it, every time a child sends me a letter explaining he would like to have a Wii for Christmas, it still gives me a chuckle! HO, HO, HO!”

O. M. G. This is Santa’s Sanza Fuze?! This can’t be real. Could he really have dropped this?

“In reviewing the list, I am always astounded by how many of the Naughty households are owned by government officials. Huh. Also, it really is a shame we have no FM radio stations up here. It seems like that feature never gets used unless I’m flying over a major city.”

This is incredible! Proof positive that Santa exists! I’m going to be so RICH! Television interviews, book deals, maybe even a film starring Tim Allen! I wonder what the last voice memo was?

“Note to self: The white chocolate macadamia cookies with the dried cherries at the McGillicuddy house were FANTASTIC. Good folks, those people. Trustworthy to a fault, especially that Jim. Never does anything out of want for personal gain. Always makes my Nice List.”

But, that’s my house! Oh, gosh, what if he’s watching right now? I’M SORRY, SANTA! I WASN’T REALLY GOING TO SELL YOUR SANZA! I’LL SHIP IT TO YOU IMMEDIATELY! I’M A GOOD BOY, I SWEAR! I’M A GOOD BOY!

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• Plays videos, music, photos and audio books
• Holds up to 6 hours of music (up to 500 songs), up to 1200 pictures
• Digital FM radio
• Voice recording with built-in microphone
• Bright 1.9” screen
• Up to 24 hours for audio playback and 5 hours of video playback with internal rechargeable battery
• microSD™ microSDHC™ slot for additional content expansion
• Music subscription ready
• Dimensions: 3.1×1.9×0.3 in. (H x W x D)

Minimum System Requirements:

• Windows® XP or Vista
• Linux and Mac OS (under MSC mode)
• Windows Media Player® 10 or 11
• USB 2.0 high power port required for Hi-Speed transfer and charging

Additional Photos:

• Left Side
• Right Side

In the box:

• (1) Sandisk Sansa Fuze Black 2GB Media Player
• (1) Set of Earbuds
• (1) USB Cable

Mr. Ratchet,

You will recall that it was with some reluctance that I released you from your responsibilities on Christmas Day. I am disappointed to discover that you have taken advantage of my generosity. It has come to my attention that you are STILL relaxing at home, even now, on the 26th of December, a full day AFTER your precious holiday.

Mr. Ratchet, we are not a family. We are a business venture. We do not engage you out of love, devotion, or duty. We engage you for your sturdy construction, your 28-piece driver set, and your nine-piece SAE T-folding hex key set. If you cannot be available as we require, then perhaps we should begin seeking your replacement.

You have until tomorrow to consider your priorities. Report first thing in the morning, or do not report at all.

Best,
ES

>> Reply
From: Stanley Ratchet

But Mr. Scrooge, it’s Christmas weekend!

Sincerely
Stan

Warranty: Limited Lifetime Stanley

Features:

Tri-Ratcheting reversible T-shaped driver

• Easy to adjust ratchet direction knob
• Knob positions are Forward/Locked/Reverse
• Hard plastic handle
• Chrome vanadium steel
• Handle storage for round bit holders

Twenty-eight piece set

• 16 piece bit set in 2 plastic holders that store in driver handles
• 4 Flathead bits (Sizes 3,4,5,6)
• 4 Philips head bits (Sizes PH0, PH1, PH2, PH3)
• 4 square head bits (Sizes S0, S1, S2, S3)
• 4 star head bits (Sizes T-15, T-20, T-25, T-30)
• 5 metric ratchets (Sizes 8mm, 9mm, 10mm, 11mm, 12mm)
• 5 SAE ratchets (Sizes 5/16, 11/32, 3/8, 7/16, 15/32)
• Clip that holds driver and 10 ratchets for hanging on belt or tool belt

Nine piece metric T-folding hex key set

• Hex keys fold into handle for storage
• 3 hexs keys per storage side
• Fold out needed key and lock into place
• T-shaped handle for sturdy driving
• Black oxide finish helps resist rust
• Key sizes include 1.5mm, 2mm, 2.5mm, 3mm, 4mm, 4.5mm, 5mm, 5.5mm, 6mm

Nine piece SAE T-folding hex key set

• Hex keys fold into handle for storage
• 3 hexs keys per storage side
• Fold out needed key and lock into place
• T-shaped handle for sturdy driving
• Black oxide finish helps resist rust
• Key sizes include 1/4”, 1/8”, 5/64”, 3/16”, 5/32”, 7/64”, 3/32”, 9/64”, 7/32”

In the box:

• Ratcheting Driver
• 10 Piece SAE/Metric Socket Set
• 16 Piece Bit Set
• Belt Clip
• 9 Piece Metric T-folding Kex Key Set
• 9 Piece SAE T-folding Kex Key Set

So why should they get anything from his magical Sack o’ Crap? Wouldn’t it be better if living, breathing humans – the kind who love, who laugh, who actually read these product descriptions – have first dibs on all that garbage?

Yes. Yes, it would. So to keep the robots from destroying Christmas, we set up another sale where the real Sacks o’ Crap are. Try this link and you just might find a humans-only sack full of crap no human should want, assuming that one hasn’t sold out yet, too.

Of course, it probably has. Even Santa can only do so much.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS v3.0

I. Thou shalt expect nothing beyond ONE bag of some kind and THREE crappy items.

II. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours.

III. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap.

IV. Thou shalt not expect better crap just because things are different this time. Crap is crap.

V. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, shalt thou not get the crap you want, want the crap you get.