Whoa, whoa, whoa! Put down the gun, Murray! Let me explain.

I did the job just like you asked, no problems, no cops, no nothing. Got the diamond to the buyer, right? And he’s cool, you know? Real cool. Just hands over the money just like he was supposed to. But that’s the thing, boss. He didn’t have anything to carry the cash in! All he had was a pillow case or a trash bag. That didn’t seem too safe to walk around with, you know? Four hundred thousand dollars in a sack seemed a little too suspicious.

Luckily, I was able to get my hands on this Tommy Bahama Journey City Bag. I mean, just look at this top quality worksmanship and genuine leather. I figured you’d want your cash delivered all nice-like, and in something you’d be able to use later. That’s why I thought the fully featured business interior was a nice touch.

So, technically, the money’s all there. It’s just money AND a Tommy Bahama Journey City Bag. Annnnnnd, I might have bought a burger and fries on the way over here. WHOA! Again with the gun? Come on! Don’t you think I earned a value meal?

Warranty: 10 Year Randa Luggage

Features:

• Top quality workmanship
• Genuine leather
• Fully featured business interior
• Unique hard ware and fittings
• Filly lines
• Dimensions: 20 1/2” x 9” x 11”

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Put down the gun, Murray! Let me explain.

I did the job just like you asked, no problems, no cops, no nothing. Got the diamond to the buyer, right? And he’s cool, you know? Real cool. Just hands over the money just like he was supposed to. But that’s the thing, boss. He didn’t have anything to carry the cash in! All he had was a pillow case or a trash bag. That didn’t seem too safe to walk around with, you know? Four hundred thousand dollars in a sack seemed a little too suspicious.

Luckily, I was able to get my hands on this Tommy Bahama Journey City Bag. I mean, just look at this top quality worksmanship and genuine leather. I figured you’d want your cash delivered all nice-like, and in something you’d be able to use later. That’s why I thought the fully featured business interior was a nice touch.

So, technically, the money’s all there. It’s just money AND a Tommy Bahama Journey City Bag. Annnnnnd, I might have bought a burger and fries on the way over here. WHOA! Again with the gun? Come on! Don’t you think I earned a value meal?

Warranty: 10 Year Randa Luggage

Features:

• Top quality workmanship
• Genuine leather
• Fully featured business interior
• Unique hard ware and fittings
• Filly lines
• Dimensions: 20 1/2” x 9” x 11”

I paid for my ticket. I bought my Alpen 625 Trail-Tec 8×28 Binoculars. Damned if I’m going to let some teenager in a maroon vest and aqua bow-tie tell me I can’t use them together. I guess these things are made for using out in nature or whatever, with their 8×28 magnification, fogproof and waterproof construction, and multi-coated BaK4 optics. But I can see everything I can see there right in here, only with popcorn instead of bugs.

Warranty: Limited Lifetime Alpen

Features:

• 8×28 Binoculars
• Compass
• Thermometer
• Clock
• Waterproof
• Fogproof
• Nitrogen filled
• Fully multi-coated BaK4 optics
• Bright image
• Twist-up eyecups
• Lightweight composite body construction
• Fully rubber armored
• Comfortable to hold
• Shock resistant
• Requires (2) CR1225 batteries (included)

In the box:

• Alpen 625 Trail-Tec 8×28 Binocular
• (2) CR1225 Batteries
• Cleaning Cloth
• Carrying Case
• Neck Strap

Sure, all you younger readers might have no idea what a “cassette tape” is, but let us old folks tell you, there’s nothing that says “I’m ready to commit but not in an actual binding way” like giving a mix tape. And you know what else? One of these Disney 512 MB Mix Stick WMA/MP3 Player is the perfect vehicle for a 21st Century Mix Tape. Learn from the masters: here’s how you do it.

Step 1: Pick the songs. You’ve got 512 megs of room, which is around 120 MP3s, give or take. But don’t give 120 MP3s. That’s overkill. A good mix tape is always about ninety minutes. A few pop songs, a few rockers, a couple classics, and one special closer that really tells the person how you feel. Don’t do it all at once either. Wait a day, and listen to it again. You want it to be just right.

Step 2: Buy a cheap magazine. You’re going to be cutting out letters and sticking them onto a little Disney Mix Stick sized box. Draw a little cow jumping over the moon, or maybe a dragon eating a stick figure, or whatever you think the person would like. Sometimes a good case can be more fun than the mix.

Step 3: Load your mix onto one of these Disney 512 MB Mix Stick WMA/MP3 Player. You could go with the beauty of Blue Chrome or the irony of the Cheetah Girls or the happy memories of High School Musical. Decide for yourself what’s best. After all, this mix is from YOUR heart.

Step 4: Hand it over. Don’t explain it. Just hand to them, look into their eyes, and say “Hey. I made you something. Hope you like it.” The included headphones mean they can listen right away, and if you did it right, as they read the little case and enjoy all the songs, well, it’ll blow their innocent little minds.

The mix tape is a dying art, young Wooters. Use your choice of Disney 512 MB Mix Stick WMA/MP3 Player to gain the advantage over other, less intelligent non-Wooters. And if that person doesn’t like it? Well… just try again!

Warranty: 1 Year Digital Blue

Features:

• 512 MB built-in memory
• Stores both data and music files
• Holds up to 240 WMA or 120 MP3 songs
• SD/MMC Card slot expandable up to 1 GB (up to 480 songs)
• No computer required when used with Disney Mix Clips (sold separately)
• 3.5mm headphone jack
• Direct USb 2.0 connector (may require USB extender – sold separately)
• Up to 8 hour playback with built-in rechargeable battery (recharges via USB port)

In the box:

• (1) Disney 512 MB Mix Stick WMA/MP3 Player (Your Choice: Blue Chrome, Cheetah Girls, or High School Musical)
• (1) MixIt Software CD
• (1) Stereo Earbuds
• (1) Lanyard with Safety Release

H-D-M-IIIIIIIIIIIII!
IIIIIIIIIIII!
H-D-M-IIIIIIIIIIIII!

I’ll buy you six foot cables, friend
If it makes you feel alright
Hook ‘em up to your Blu-Ray player
If it makes you feel alright

Acoustic Research 6-Foot HDMI Cable
Talkin’ ‘bout HDMI

I’ll give you all I’ve got to give
If you let me watch sports with you
I may not have a lot to give
But I’m willing to hang with you

‘Cause I don’t care too much for football
But it’s awesome when it’s in Hi-Def

H-D-M-IIIIIIIIIIIII!
Everybody says I need it
H-D-M-IIIIIIIIIIIII!
I guess it can’t be beeeeeeeeeeeeeat

Say you didn’t see that Avatar
When it was at theatres
You’re gonna need some of these cables
To appreciate the DVD

I don’t care too much for Na’vi
But they’re cool to watch in Hi-Def

H-D-M-IIIIIIIIIIIII!
Everybody says I need it
H-D-M-IIIIIIIIIIIII!
I guess it can’t be beeeeeeeeeeeeeat

Say you like to play some Xbox games
And you got yourself a 360
Say those games come in 1080p
You’re gonna need some of these

H-D-M-IIIIIIIIIIIII!
H-D-M-IIIIIIIIIIIII-oh!

Warranty: 90 Day Audio Vox

Features:

• 6’ HDMI cable
• Digital video and audio signals
• Crisp picture
• Detailed sound
• Gold plated connectors – corrosion resistant
• Protects against interference and noise
• Flexible, durable PVC jacket
• Improved digital signal transfer

“Fascinating, Captain. My preliminary readings show that this Gateway LT2030u, despite having just a gig of RAM and a 250 gig hard drive, is actually a portal to any number of places!”

“Any… number of… places? Clarify that, Mister Locke. Tell… us.. whatyoumean.”

“Hell, ah know what he means! He’s sayin’ this here ‘pooter’s a gol dang taaaam machine r’sumin. Ain’t that what you sayin’, hoss? Shoot, we get that Gateway LT2030u all fired up, we pop somethin’ in that Media Card Reader or plug in the 10/100 Ethernet or whatchacallit, we can get us some ten cent beers from back in 1941! Whatcha say, y’all wanna get messed up in the past? YEEEEOOOOOOOW!”

“Captain, I understand that you feel very attached to Doctor McElroy, but I’m afraid that his Southern colloquialisms are straining the limits of my automatic translator.”

“Did you just call me dumb? Did he just call me dumb? Aw, y’all done messed up now, spaceman. Y’all done messed up now! I’m gonna open up my ration of whup-ass all OVER your green-blooded hiney.”

CEASE YOUR HOSTILATUDE, HUMANOIDS.

“Locke! What is it?”

“Captain, it seems the Gateway LT2030u is… alive!”

“Yeah, and you best be glad it is, otherwise I’d be kicking your butt to Spacebase 4.”

“McElroy, Locke, we don’t have time for this. Gateway LT2030u… I am the… captain of this… vessel. We… comeinpeace. Tell us… your…”

MY WHAT

“…”

MY WHAT TELL YOU WHAT

“…”

WHAT WHAT IS IT YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU GOOD GOD MAN SPIT IT OUT

“…purpose.”

“You gotta forgive him, Gateway LT2030u, he’s from Iowa, he don’t really know how to talk to people so good.”

HUMANOIDS. I WAS BUILT TO BE A PASSAGE TO ANY PLACE. ALSO I HAVE THIS AWESOME CHERRY RED FINISH AND A SIX CELL BATTERY AND I COME WITH WINDOWS 7 STARTER INSTALLED.

“Windows 7… pre-installed? On a… teninchnetbook?”

“Fascinating. Most fascinating.”

”’Scuse me. Hey, Gateway LT2030u, down here, I got me a question. If we like, go back in time to the 1990s, can you introduce me to Pam Anderson? Like, before she met Tommy Lee, if you get me?”

MANY THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH ME.

“Well, heck yeah! What we waitin’ ‘round here for? I’ll see y’all losers in the past! YEEEEEEHOOOoooooo-”

“Wait! McElroy!”

“Too late, Captain. He’s gone. Back into the past, according to my instruments.”

“Has… anythingchanged?”

“According to the historical logs… a young Pamela Anderson had some guy arrested for stalking her… but otherwise, nothing else changed. Oh, and Ted Nugent did sell a few more records.”

MANY THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH ME.

“Captain… should we use the Gateway LT2030u ourselves? Take advantage of the 802.11 b/g WiFi? Use the integrated webcam and the high-def audio support? Risk our lives to bring back our timelost redneck friend?”

“… let’s… get the hell out of here.”

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day Gateway

Features:

• Processor: Intel Atom Processor1 N270 (1.6GHz, 533MHz FSB, 512KB L2 Cache)
• Operating System: Genuine Windows 7 Starter
• Display: 10.1” SD WSVGA High Brightness LED-backlit Display (1024×600 resolution)
• Memory: 1024MB DDR2 533MHz SDRAM Single Channel Memory
• Hard Drive: 250GB SATA hard drive
• Color: Classic and Elegant Design with Cherry Red finish
• Wireless Network: 802.11b/g Wi-Fi CERTIFIED
• Application Software: Microsoft Works, Microsoft Money Essentials, Microsoft Office Home and Student 2007 (60-day complimentary trial period)
• Battery: 6-Cell Lithium Ion (5200mAh)
• Chassis: Chassis with Intel Graphics Media Accelerator 950 and Mobile Intel 945GSE Express Chipset
• Dimensions (System): 1.03” (H) x 10.17” (W) x 8.04” (D) or 26.4mm (H) x 258.5mm (W) x 204mm (D)
• External Ports: (3) USB 2.0, VGA Connector
• Keyboard and Mouse: Keyboard with Multi-Gesture Touchpad
• Media Card Reader: Multi-in-1 Digital Media Card Reader (Memory Stick, Memory Stick Pro, MultiMediaCard, Secure Digital, xD-Picture Card)
• Network: 10/100 Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 port)
• Security Software: Norton Internet Security 2009 (60-day trial) & Gateway Recovery Management
• Sound: High-Definition Audio Support, Built-In speakers, Microphone, Headphone (with Dolby® Headphone Technology)/Speaker/Line-Out Jack
• Web Camera: Integrated Webcam
• Weight: 2.95 lbs. (1.33 kg) system unit only / 3.26 lbs. (1.48 kg.) box

In the box:

• Gateway LT2030u Netbook
• 6 Cell Battery
• Power Adapter

“Wait a second. Are you playing that silly Facebook game again?”

“It’s not silly. Or, at least it’s no more silly than any of that stuff you play.

“But I told the guys I’d help them kill Nazis at 8!”

“You can virtually save the world from Digital Hitler in a minute, Steven. I’m trying to coordinate a harvesting and fertilization schedule with all of my neighbors and friends so that we can optimize the growth of all our farms! I can hear every cow moo and chicken cluck loud and clear in this headset, and the adjustable mic lets me update everyone with what I’m planning to plant and new additions to my homestead. And I just love the comfy ear pads.”

“I think ending the threat of the Third Reich takes precedence over the health and growth of your fake farm, honey.”

“Look at it this way. Your soldiers have to eat, right? Think of this as ‘supporting the war effort’ through agriculture. Now, go away for a minute. Heather just found a runaway black sheep.”

Warranty: 1 Year SteelSeries

Features:

• Provides clear in game sound and voice
• Behind the head/Over the ear format
• In-line volume adjustment
• Adjustable microphone
• Comfortable foam ear pads

Specification:

• Frequency Range – Speaker: 50Hz-16,000Hz
• Speaker Diamter: 30mm
• Impedance: 32 ohms
• Microphone Range: 20Hz-16,000Hz
• Cable Length: 2m
• Connectors: Standard audio jack
• Headset sensitivity: 105db
• Microphone sensitivity: -54dB V/Pa

In the box:

• (1) Pair Ideazon GH-100 Behind-Neck Gaming Headset

A bat sleeps in the daytime
A man, though, sleeps at night
A bat sleeps hanging wrong-side-up
A man sleeps up-side-right

A man sleeps when it’s dark out
A bat sleeps when it’s light
A man must sleep on bat-time, though
If crime he hopes to fight

See, street crime is nocturnal
Whodini had it right
In Gotham City, anyway
The freaks come out at night

There’s also crime by daylight
There’s corporate crime, too
But Batman says of that: “Yeah,
That’s not really what I do.”

See Batman fights with muggers
And thieves and other creeps
And if he hopes to beat them,
The Batman needs his sleeps.

Warranty: 90 Day Digital Blue

Features:

• AM/FM radio
• Analog tuning
• 12- and 24-hour mode display time
• Display calendar (month, date, day)
• Alarm has eight different melodies and tones
• Adjustable snooze timer
• 24-hour countdown timer
• Telescopic antenna
• Ages 5 and up