When I spilled your ashes, Howard, I felt crushed. Worse, I felt like I had let you down. After 37 wonderful years together – 34 when we were both alive – how could I be so careless? The one true love of my life lay scattered around the purple deep-pile carpet like so much cat dander. And you always hated cats. I would have cried if I could’ve stopped sneezing.

But thanks to the Dyson DC24 Blueprint Limited Edition, now we’re reunited. I ran it over the floor easily thanks its ultra-lightweight construction and its ball-mounted motor. Then the Dyson DC24’s root cyclone technology picked you up and whisked you back to me. Now, Howard, I can see you whirling around inside the clear debris bin almost like you were alive again. I’m so happy, I don’t even care that there’s some carpet fuzz and other debris mixed in. Purple always suited you anyway.

Some people might think it’s creepy the way I’ve kept your remains, and talk to them, and vacuumed them up with the Dyson DC24. But they don’t know the love we shared, Howard. If they did, they’d understand that alive or dead, you are one very special parrot.

Warranty: 5 Year Dyson

Features:

• Suction power – 115 airwatts (constant)
• Root Cyclone technology, patented Dyson technology that doesn’t lose suction power as you vacuum
• Ball technology, Rides on a ball so you can get the vacuum where you need it with out pushing and pulling, back and forth around corners and obstacles
• The motor is stored inside the ball which gives it a lower center of gravity that improves maneuverability
• Ultra-lightweight and compact, lightest Dyson upright machine at 11.65 lbs. The handle also compresses to store in tight spaces
• Reversible wand, Reverse the wand and hold the handle to give you a firm grip when reaching into awkward corners
• Lifetime washable HEPA filter, Designed to trap microscopic allergens
• Motorized brushbar, Powerful bristles remove dirt and pet hair from carpets
• Hygienic, and quick empty bin
• Clear Bin – You can see when the bin should be emptied. No need to buy specific vacuum bags
• Mini flat out head, articulates to clean thoughly under low furniture and appliances
• Lifetime HEPA Filtration – HEPA (High Efficiency Particulate Air) filters can remove 99.97% of airborne particles 0.3 micrometers in diameter. This can trap fine particles such as pollen or other allergens

Specifications:

• Suction power Air Watts (constant): 115
• Filtration: Lifetime washable HEPA filter
• Bin capacity: 0.19 gal
• Dimensions: 43.3×11.0×13.7 (HxWxD) inches
• Cord length: 20ft
• Weight: 11.65 pounds

Additional Photos:

• Dyson DC24 Blueprint Limited Edition with Wand Extended
• Dyson DC24 Blueprint Limited Edition
• Dyson DC24 Blueprint Limited Edition with Mini Flat Out Head
• Dyson DC24 Blueprint Limited Edition with Combination Tool
• Dyson DC24 Blueprint Limited Edition 70 Degree Articulating Head
• Root Cyclone Technology
• Airflow Tube
• Exposed to Temperatures -3.99 Degrees Fahrenheit to +122 Degrees Fahrenheit
• Test Driven to 1,555 Miles
• Dyson Ball
• Accessory Kit
• Dyson DC24 Blueprint Limited Edition Box

In the box:

• Dyson DC24 Blueprint Limited Edition
• Mini Flat Out Head
• Combination Tool

“GASP!” “SHOCK!” “FAINT!”

“Order in the court! I’ll clear this room! Defendant, explain yourself. This IdeaPad U350 measures just 13” x 1” x 9”, and weighs a mere 3 pounds. That’s small enough to fit inside most of the secret pockets sewn into the lining of my robe. And it doesn’t even have an optical drive. That sounds like a netbook to me. Now, do you want an orange prison jumpsuit, or the classic black-and-white stripes?”

“Neither, judge. Because despite its compact size, the Lenovo IdeaPad U350 also has a 250GB hard drive and 3GB RAM, specs that any full-size computer would be proud of. Throw in the SD card reader, HDMI output, and integrated 802.11b, a, g, and n WiFi, and we’re clearly beyond netbook territory.”

“Hmmm. Your argument does make some sense. I’ll have to consider it.”

“GASP!” “SHOCK!” “FAINT!”

“Order in the court! I just said I’d consider it! Now, what about the matter of your positive test results for methamphetamine? How do you explain that?”

“Uh… you know, Your Honor, I think I’ll take the black-and-white stripes. Orange looks terrible with my skin tone.”

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 1 Year Lenovo

Features:

• Intel Pentium 1.3GHz U2700 processor
• 13.3” LED backlight WXGA VibrantView display with 1366×768 resolution
• 3GB DDR3 PC3-8500 RAM pre-installed (Upgradeable to 4GB)
• 250GB SATA 5400 RPM hard drive
• Intel Graphics Media Accelerator 4500M chipset
• HDMI and VGA video connections
• 4-in-1 media card reader (Memory Stick, Secure Digital, Memory Stick PRO, Multi Media Card)
• Hi-Definition (HD) Audio Support, Dolby Sound Room
• RJ-45 Ethernet Connector 10/100/1000Mbps
• 802.11b, a, g, and n WIFI
• 4 Cell lithium ion battery, provides up to 5 hours of use
• Lenovo Rescue System, OneKey recovery restores your system without booting into Windows
• Active Protection System – protects your hard drive from knocks, falls and sudden shocks, ensuring greater reliability for your movies, music, photos & other documents
• Ambient Light Sensor – automatically adjusts screen brightness based on surrounding light conditions
• Multi-touch touchpad – allows you to zoom in and out and makes it easier to scroll
• Integrated 1.3 megapixel webcam and VeriFace Facial Recognition Software – VeriFace™ uses the integrated webcam to detect your face and authorize your Windows login. It can also be used as a password management system for other applications

Ports:

• USB 2.0: 3
• VGA: 1
• HDMI: 1
• Ethernet 10/100/1000: 1
• SD Card Reader: 1
• Headphone: 1
• Microphone: 1

Additional Photos:

• Lenovo IdeaPad U350 29632HU Notebook
• Lenovo IdeaPad U350 29632HU Notebook Left Profile
• Lenovo IdeaPad U350 29632HU Notebook Right Profile
• Lenovo IdeaPad U350 29632HU Notebook Lid
• Lenovo IdeaPad U350 29632HU Notebook Keyboard
• Lenovo IdeaPad U350 29632HU Notebook Box

In the box:

• Lenovo IdeaPad U350 29632HU Notebook
• Battery
• Power Cable

Photo inset credit: srqpix

Oh sure, nice Franklin 12-Language Global Translator. Good luck finding a place to use it. No one speaks Mandarin any more. I’ve heard more than enough Japanese and Korean, thank you. I’ve no need to ever visit Europe at all, so why would I need to translate Polish, Spanish, Italian, German, French, Russian, Dutch, OR Portuguese. And I already speak English good.

Ugh, fine: I speak English well. Smartypants.

But if I could find a means to translate my deepest thoughts and feelings into KLINGON, mightiest and boldest language of the stars, well then my friend you’d have my hard-earned cash in your hand. Finally, I’d be able to order my latte in the tongue of Kahless the Unforgettable!

Warranty: 1 Year Franklin

Features:

• Gives you the freedom and confidence to travel and communicate easily
• Simply enter words in your native language and your translation will appear
• Small enough to easily fit into a pocket
• The new Global Translator includes three Asian languages: Chinese (Mandarin), Japanese and Korean and eight European languages (Polish, Spanish, Italian, German, Russian, French, Dutch, Portuguese) plus English.

In the box:

(1) Franklin 12 Language Global Translator

“Wh-where are you t-t-taking me?” Roeder stammered. They only snarled in reply. Roeder felt that if they weren’t under orders to capture him, the werewolves would’ve been thrilled to devour him. Roeder watched the shopping mall parking lot pass him by as they pulled him into a patch of overgrown ditchweed taller than Roeder himself. Before he knew it, he’d been pushed down some kind of hole hidden among the weeds. He bumped roughly onto a stone floor a moment later, tasting blood from a lower lip he’d bitten on the way down.

It was dark. Then, it wasn’t. Roeder realized that everything was cast in a very faint but unmistakeable blue glow. He looked around for a moment – then the back of his skull exploded in pain. He never felt the two werewolves dragging his unconscious body by the arms along the cave floor, their mouths watering with repressed bloodlust.

“Prisoner! Prisoner! Wake up! Stand in Her Majesty’s presence! Bow before Lycosa – Queen of the Werewolves!”

One of the werewolves slapped Roeder across the face while the other lifted Roeder on to his feet and gave him a shove. Groggy, off-balance, Roeder half-expected to open his eyes and see the shopping mall. But the blue glow blinded him back to reality. So intense now it filled the chamber, Roeder could hardly stand to focus on its source. And when he did, he choked with horror.

There must have been fifty nubs on the thing’s black, monstrous body, each glowing with an inscrutable symbol from the creature’s eldritch rune-tome. Roeder retched cold bile. “Speak, maggot! How will you serve Lycosa?”

“Serve? What? I don’t understand-”

“Shall I stomp your body into slop for my skele-hogs? Answer me, maggot!”

“I’ll do whatever you want. I am at your service. Your highn- uh, majesty?”

“Highness is fine, too. I accept your pledge of fealty and grant you the luxury of serving me!”

Roeder sighed. He had some time to figure out how to escape. “Awesome.”

“You shall be my man-bride, available to pleasure me at my will, until my whims dictate that I rend your flesh into bite-sized wads and use your pulpy remains to fertilize my homegrown. Is THAT clear?”

“OK, but you’re going to have to explain how to pleasure you. I’ve never gotten busy with a keyboard before.”

“It’s simple. Just play me.”

“Play you? You mean -”

“Yes. Use me to control your PC gaming. Pound my backlit keys. Exploit my Hyperesponse technology. Explore my TouchPanel easy access media keys. And I can handle up to 10 customizable software profiles, so use me in any PC game you want.”

“Any game I want?”

“Yeah, I keep an updated library of games on hand just for my man-brides. I’m on every major company’s promo list – the industry is like half werewolf. Without us, they’d never ship a single game.”

“Well, your majesty, and your highness, if I must serve, I must.”

Warranty: 90 Day Razer

Features:

• Backlight Illumination with WASD cluster lighting option
• With the right keys lit up, you can always be sure of your next move
• Keytop with non-slip rubber finish
• Fully-programmable keys with macro capability
• Slim keycap structure with Hyperesponse™ technology
• TouchPanel™ easy access media keys
• Gaming mode option for deactivation of the Windows key
• 10 customizable software profiles with on-the-fly switching
• 1000Hz Ultrapolling™ / 1ms response time
• Earphone-out and microphone-in jacks
• Detachable wrist rest
• One integrated USB extension port
• Approximate size: * 469mm (length) x 168mm (width) x 15mm (height) – without wrist rest; 469mm (length) x 221mm (width) x 15mm (height) – with wrist rest

Additional Pictures:

• Lighted Keys
• Left Profile
• USB Port/Headphone and Microphone Jacks

In the box:

• Razer Lycosa Gaming Keyboard

There was a certain twisted kind of logic to it, since this was the college we both attended, but still, it me hard to see her again. “Oh… hey, Seth.” Molly. Molly, Molly, Molly. Still had a pair of eyes that sang hymns and a pair of legs that recited dirty limericks. That old PROPERTY OF LACROSSE DEPT sweatshirt still knew all the right places to cling and to sag. Hard to believe it had been four months now since our hookup. But none of us are as young as we used to be.

“I had a feeling you’d come back. What’sa matter, couldn’t stay away?”

She rolled her eyes and tugged at a forelock, like she always did when she was trying to play it coy. So that’s how it was going to be.

“No, actually, I didn’t know you worked here… uh, so, I got this Digital Upper Arm Blood Pressure Monitor, and I was hoping somebody here could show me how to put it on right, because my doctor says I need to check my blood pressure-”

“Pressure? What do you know about pressure?” I scoffed my sharpest, most withering scoff, the one I save for truly scoffable occasions. “While you’re out there hackying sacks across the quad, I’m in here tending to the walking wounded. I’ve seen fevers break 100 more times than I can count. I’ve seen sorority girls so drunk they’d give you a hangover. I’ve probably handed out half of the condoms on this campus. And I do it for a solid twelve hours every week, 20 weeks a year. That’s why they call it work study, not play study, see? So don’t talk to me about pressure.”

“Yeah, OK, whatever. I’ll just go to the Wellness Center over on South Campus.” She turned to go. I let her. Dame like that, you can’t chase after her begging to fit her Digital Upper Arm Blood Pressure Monitor. Do that and next thing you know she’s bored and some other mug is squeezing that inflation bulb.

It’s just as well. I’m actually not allowed to do anything remotely medical. But mister, you better believe I keep those pamphlets damn organized.

Warranty: 1 Year Omron

Features:

• Clinically proven accuracy
• 30 Memory storage
• Easy to squeeze bulb
• Adult cuff included (fits circumference of 9 – 13 in.)
• Additional Cuffs Sold Seperately

Specifications:

• Accuracy: Within +/-3 mmHg or 2% of reading Pulse: Within +/-5% of reading
• Cuff Size: 9” to 13”
• Deflation: Automatic pressure release valve
• Dimensions: 5.9 (w) x 4.9 (l) x 6.1 (h) inches
• Operating environment: 50F to 104F (10C to 40C) Degrees, 30 to 85% RH
• Power Source: 4 x AA batteries (not included)
• Pressure Indication Range: Pressure: 0 to 280 mmHg Pulse: 40 to 200/minute
• Pressurization: Manual with inflation bulb
• Storage environment: -4F to 140F Degrees, 10% to 95% RH
• Type: Oscillometric
• Weight: Approx. 8 oz. (225g) with batteries

In the Box:

One day, you’re flying high, conjuring glitzy shopping malls and ritzy high-rises from the desert sand. The next, the airport parking lot is choked with cars abandoned by their owners fleeing debtor’s prison. Like the Arabs say, “My father rode a camel, I drive a Mercedes, my son flies an airplane, my grandson will ride a camel.” At least you had some wild times while it lasted.

We’ll be on the next flight, our trusty Pure Digital Black Mino60M Camcorder in hand to record the absurdity before the whirling sandstorms reclaim their ancient domain. Its basic, fixed-focus, not-terribly-high resolution will bear witness to the hubristic folly and orgiastic excess of Dubai’s Fools-Golden Age. And if Dubai’s repressive monarchy takes offense at our project, the Mino60M is small enough to sneak out of the country without too much trouble.

Warranty: 90 Day Pure Digital

Features:

• 2GB flash based camcorder can record up to 60 minutes of video, with out the need for tapes, or SD cards
• Built-in USB arm, acts like a typical USB flash drive, drag and drop
• Simple camorder, shooting video is as easy as taking a picture
• FlipShare built in software that makes it easy to organize, edit and share your videos on YouTube, MySpace, AOL Video, or any other online video service
• Capable of playing back on a TV with the help from a composite cable
• Tripod mount, use any standard tripod for steady video

In the box:

• F360 Flip Camcorder
• TV Cable
• Wrist Strap
• Soft Case
• Quickstart Guide

Aw, man! Shirt.Woot already gets perks like free SmartPost shipping and sales that last beyond one day. Now we have to let them have a whole hour of the Woot-Off, too?

I guess we know now who Mom and Dad’s favorite is. Here at Woot, we have to stop selling each day’s sale at midnight. But Shirt.Woot shirts get to hang around on the Reckoning page, where anybody can buy them. No fair!

Now, just because that little goody-goody is offering every available Woot shirt for just $12 postpaid for this hour only, we have to turn our front page over to Shirt.Woot right in the middle of a Woot-Off. This is supposed to be our party!

So enjoy your cheap shirts, wooters. Enjoy your time in the spotlight, Shirt.Woot. Enjoy seeing your favorite kid having so much fun, Mom and Dad. We’ll just be crying in the corner until we can have our Woot-Off back.