I’ve been reading a lot of women’s magazines recently. I mean—not the magazines of a lot of women. But a lot of “women’s interest” magazines.

It started just because I had a digestive mishap in the waiting room of my temp agency, and I rushed to the restroom thinking I’d grabbed FIELD & STREAM, but it was COSMO. I guess the cover model looked like a pronghorn out of the corner of my eye.

Anyway, I was in there for a good long while (thanks, Greasy Franky’s All-You-Can-Eat Mussels ‘N’ Cheese Buffet), so I ended up reading it pretty much front to back, took the quizzes, everything.

I. Learned. So. Much.

Now I buy every chick mag I can get my mitts on. They’re FULL of actionable intelligence. It’s like intercepting enemy communiqués. Not that ladies are the enemy. But you know what I mean.

Anyway, it turns out I’ve been going about things all wrong when it comes to the fairer sex. I’ve been trying to impress them with grooming, manners, working on being a good listener, cleaning my kitchenette before a date comes over, stuff like that. Worthless. Dead ends, all. I’m going to tell you something, and you’re not going to believe me, but I swear it’s the gospel truth.

Here’s what ladies are into: Sempron LE-1250 processors, 320-gig SATA hard drives, SuperMulti DVD burners with LightScribe technology, and Microsoft’s Windows 7 Home Premium operating system. Oh, and a 6-in-1 memory card reader is, like, the number one prime indicator of desirability.

I know, I know. But for real, dude. I got a PC with those features, set it up in my pad where it’s visible from the door, and within the first month I was getting, like, eight or nine times as much action as usual.

What? Yes, I know what nine times zero is. Why?

Oh, I get it. OK, fine, I’m just trying to do you a favor.

“Nine times zero.” Huh! Smart Alec.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day HP

Features:

• Sempron LE-1250 (S) 2.2 GHz (45W) processor with 1600 MT/s (mega transfers/second) and Socket AM2
• GeForce 6150SE nForce 430 chipset
• 320 GB SATA 3G (3.0 Gb/sec) 7200 rpm
• SuperMulti DVD Burner with LightScribe Technology drive
• High Definition 6-channel audio with ALC 888S chipset
• Integrated 10/100 Base-T networking interface
• 6-in-1 memory card reader
• 6 USB 2.0 ports (2 in front, 4 in rear)
• Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (64-bit) operating system

Additional Photos:

• HP S5213W Slimline Computer
• Keyboard
• Mouse
• Front Ports
• Rear Ports
• Side Case Rear
• Box

Specifications:

In the box:

• HP S5213W Slimline Computer
• USB Keyboard
• USB Two-Button Optical Scrolling Mouse
• RJ-11 Modem Cable
• Power Cable

Jinkies! It’s the Philips 32” 1080p 120Hz LCD HDTV! Of course! Why, it all makes sense now.

He must’ve have known about the hidden treasure all along. With a spooky legend about the house already, it was easy for him to scare off any trespassers or meddling kids that might come looking for it. All he had to do was hide in the shadows and, when the time was right, show eerie visuals on his 32” Full HD LCD display with 1920×1080p resolution. His HD Natural Motion, dynamic screen contrast, and Pixel Precise technology for extremely sharp and clear pictures made his illusions seem all that much more real. And all those creepy sounds? They must’ve been coming from the invisible built-in speakers with incredible surround sound, not to mention the Dolby Digital output for connection to the home theatre system he installed though out the mansion! He could even play media files from a USB to further his nefarious scheme.

Well, it certainly looks like we’ve wrapped up this little mystery. And to think he would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for… well, you know.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day P&F

Features:

• 120Hz Clear LCD, 2ms performance for superb motion sharpness
• Full HD LCD display, with a 1920×1080p resolution
• HD Natural Motion for ultra smooth motion in Full HD movies
• Dynamic contrast 48000:1 for incredible rich black details
• Pixel Precise HD for extremely sharp and clear pictures
• Dolby Digital output for connection to a home theatre system
• Invisible speakers with incredible surround
• 4 HDMI inputs with Easylink for a full HD connection
• USB for fantastic multimedia playback
• Settings assistant for effortless personalized TV settings
• ATSC & QAM tuner receives over the air and unscrambled cable
• Plays MP3, JPEG Still pictures, DivX 3.11, DivX 5, MPEG2, XviD, H.264/MPEG-4 AVC files off of a USB drive

Additional Photos:

• Philips 32PFL6704D/F7B 32” HDTV
• Rear Video and Audio Ports
• Side Video and Audio Ports
• Volume, Menu, Channel, and Power Buttons
• Remote Control
• 120Hz Demo Screen Shot
• Box

Picture/Display:

• Aspect ratio: Widescreen
• Brightness: 500 cd/m²
• Dynamic screen contrast: 48000:1
• Response time (typical): 2 ms
• Viewing angle: 178º (H) / 178º (V)
• Diagonal screen size: 32 inch / 82 cm
• Visible screen diagonal (inch): 31.5 inch
• Panel resolution: 1920×1080p
• Picture enhancement: Pixel precise HD, 3/2 – 2/2 motion pull down, 3D Combfilter, Active Control + Light sensor, Dynamic contrast enhancement, Progressive scan, 120Hz LCD, HD Natural Motion

Supported Display Resolution:

• 640×480
• 800×600
• 1024×768
• 1280×768
• 1280×1024
• 1360×768
• 1920×1080

Sound:

• Equalizer: 5-bands
• Output power (RMS): 20W
• Sound Enhancement: Incredible Surround
• Sound System: Dolby Digital (AC-3), Stereo, SAP

Loudspeakers:

• Built-in speakers: 2

Convenience:

• Child Protection: Child Lock+Parental Control
• Clock: On main display, Sleep Timer
• Ease of Installation: Autostore
• Ease of Use: 4 favorite lists, Auto Volume Leveller (AVL), Channel list, Settings assistant Wizard, Side Control
• Remote Control: TV
• Screen Format Adjustments: 4:3, Auto Format, Movie expand 14:9, Movie expand 16:9, Super Zoom, Widescreen, unscaled (1080p dot by dot)

Multimedia Applications:

• Multimedia connections: USB memory class device
• Playback Formats: MP3, JPEG Still pictures, DivX 3.11, DivX 5, MPEG2, XviD, H.264/MPEG-4 AVC

Tuner/Reception/Transmission:

• Aerial Input: 75 ohm F-type
• TV system: ATSC, NTSC
• Video Playback: NTSC
• Cable: Unscrambled Digital Cable -QAM
• Tuner bands: Hyperband, S-Channel, UHF, VHF

Connectivity:

• AV 1: Audio L/R in, YPbPr
• AV 2: Audio L/R in, YPbPr
• AV 3: Audio L/R in, CVBS in, S-Video in
• Front / Side connections: HDMI v1.3, S-video in, CVBS in, Audio L/R in, Headphone out, USB
• Audio Output – Digital: Coaxial (cinch)
• Other connections: Analog audio Left/Right out
• HDMI 1: HDMI v1.3
• HDMI 2: HDMI v1.3
• HDMI 3: HDMI v1.3, Analog audio L/R in
• EasyLink (HDMI-CEC): One touch play, Power status, System info (menu language), Remote control pass-through, System audio control, System standby

Power:

• Ambient temperature: 0 °C to 35 °C
• Mains power: 110-240V, 50-60Hz
• Power consumption: 155 W
• Standby power consumption: < 0.15 W

Dimensions:

• Set dimensions in inch (W x H x D): 29.99×18.51×3.46 inch
• Set dimensions with stand in inch (W x H x D): 29.99×20.55×8.66 inch
• Weight incl. Packaging (lb): 34.39
• Product weight (lb): 21.61
• Product weight (+stand) (lb): 25.79 lb
• VESA wall mount compatible: 200×200 mm

In the box:

• Philips 32PFL6704D/F7B 32” HDTV
• Remote Control
• Power Cable
• Tabletop swivel stand

Photo inset credit: iLoveButter