Nobody knew who started it at first. But it was the toasters. Powerful things with variable browning controls and a variety of toasting options. People were giving them away as gifts for opening new checking accounts or as wedding presents by the truckloads. It was madness, I tell you. Nothing could stop it.

The old versions were easy to disregard. But these are new. They look so stylish… beautiful modern design, stainless steel polished finish, inexplicable glass, everything. They were even outfitted with a extra wide slots, slide-out crumb trays for easy cleaning and a blue LED display.

Listen and understand. That Kalorik 2-Slice Stainless-Steel and Glass Toaster is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, until you are FULL OF TOAST, BAGELS, ENGLISH MUFFINS, WAFFLES, OR TOASTER PASTRIES! Unless, of course, someone unplugs it. Or it breaks. Whichever comes first, I guess. Whatever.

Do you see now? Do you believe me? Good. Now, look, the only way we are going to save mankind from a horrible toasty future is if we make a baby RIGHT NOW. Don’t worry. I’m from the future, remember? I know about these types of things.

Warranty: 1 Year Team International Group

Features:

• Distinctive design features a polished stainless steel finish with chrome buttons and screwed-on decorative frosted glass plates on both sides
• Variable browning control as well as cancel, defrost and reheat buttons provide a variety of toasting options
• 1.5” extra-wide slots provide ample room for different types of items
• Slide-out crumb tray allows for easy cleanup
• Blue LED controls allow easy settings adjustment
• Chrome-plated buttons and lift-up knob

Specifications:

• Power Requirements: 850W, 110V
• Dimensions: 12” x 7” x 7” (L x W x H)
• Weight: 6lbs

Additional Photos:

• Kalorik 2-Slice Stainless-Steel and Glass Toaster
• Slide-Out Crumb Tray
• Variable Browning Control Dial
• Packaging

In the box:

• Kalorik 2-Slice Stainless-Steel and Glass Toaster
• User Manual

So I sent J-Tre to your house. And I told him to bring the good stuff. He’s got the fire, dude. I’m talking Eco-Satin nonstick coating. I’m talking impact-bonded aluminum core base. I’m talking oven-safe up to 400 degrees – even 500 in the case of the pots. And you told J-Tre “not interested”? I don’t get you, man. I put you in touch with the best pot dealer in town, and you-

Oh. Oh, that. No way, dude. You think I’m the kind of person who would use drugs?

Warranty: Lifetime Regal Ware

Features:

• All American Kitchen cookware is oven safe to preheated 400°F/204°C — cookware without Eco-Satin™ nonstick coating is oven-safe to preheated 500°F/260°C
• Impact-bonded aluminum core base —encapsulated in two layers of 18/10 stainless steel provides superior heat conductivity
• Stylish, brushed satin exterior provides outstanding function with lasting beauty
• Cast stainless steel handles stay cool during stovetop cooking
• Capacity marks etched inside cookware offer a convenient visual measurement guide
• Heat and shock resistant tempered glass covers allow easy monitoring of cooking process
• Made in the U.S.A. means a reduced carbon footprint vs imported cookware
• Can be used on low-energy cooktops, such as induction ranges, electric, gas and open flames
• Eco-Satin™ nonstick finish is biodegradable and no PFOA is used in the production of our nonstick coating
• No hazardous air pollutants are emitted during product manufacture
• Recycling paper and cardboard at our USA-based manufacturing facilities saves 3,283 trees and 19,309 gallons of gasoline annually
• Recycling scrap metal at our USA-based manufacturing facilities saves 4,300 barrels of oil annually
• American Kitchen packaging is made of 70% recycled materials, and is 100% recyclable

In the box:

• 1 8-inch Eco-Satin Coated Fry Pan
• 1 10-inch Eco-Satin Coated Fry Pan
• 1 3-Quart Covered Sauce Pan
• 1 10-inch Covered Sauté Pan

We can’t take it anymore, @mdhughes. From the moment we found out you had blocked us in your root folder, it’s been eating us up inside. The sleepless nights, the distracted days, all the time wondering, where did we go wrong? Was it the temptation? The cravings for torrid deal-a-day action? I guess all this heat between us got a little too scorching to handle, but we never meant to push you away.

Don’t you remember all those hot, sweaty nights gazing into our web page? We do. The gentle caress of you cursor against our big yellow button still sends a shiver up our spines. And the way you used to giggle at our funny little writeups just before a purchase? We can still hear it in our hearts when we close our eyes.

It’s just so hard to concentrate on anything knowing you’re gone. Just trying to focus on this Gateway Athlon Dual Core 15.6” Laptop is nigh on impossible. Sure, the 15.6” HD widescreen Ultrabright™ LED-backlit display and 6-Cell Lithium Ion battery are great, but what do they matter in a world without you in it? Is a 8x DVD-Super Multi Double-Layer Drive going to keep us company when the deal changes over at midnight central standard time? Can an ATI Radeon® HD 4200 Graphics with up to 1919MB of HyperMemory™ supporting Shader Model 4.0 and Microsoft® DirectX® 10 with AMD M880G Chipset be there for us like you were on so many lonely nights? With you gone, nothing seems to be able to fill the soul-crushing void you absence has created.

Can’t we just get together once more for old time’s sake? Look, we’re both mature, responsible adults here. There’s no reason we have to give in to our unsavory, yet completely natural urges for daily bargains every time we get together. We don’t even have to talk about today’s great deal! We could just, you know, hang out. Perhaps we could share a bottle of wine. We could chat about fashion or even discuss some other deal sites you might be seeing, if that would make you more comfortable. And if we just happen to lose our heads and get a little purchase crazy… Well, nobody has to know. We all “want one” from time to time. It can be our little secret.

Just don’t throw away all those good times we had, @mdhughes. We can get through this. Just like Phil Collins says, I know you coming back to us is against all odds, but it’s a chance we’ve got to take.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day Gateway

Features:

• AMD Athlon™ II X2 Dual-Core Processor M300 (2.0GHz, 667MHz FSB, 1MB L2 Cache) processor
• 15.6” HD Widescreen Ultrabright™ LED-backlit Display (1366 x 768 resolution, 16:9 aspect ratio)
• 4096MB Dual-Channel DDR2 667MHz sDRAM Suppor
• 500GB 5400RPM SATA hard drive
• 8x DVD-Super Multi Double-Layer Drive
• 802.11b/g/n Wi-Fi CERTIFIED
• 10/100/1000 Gigabit Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 port)
• ATI Radeon® HD 4200 Graphics with up to 1919MB of HyperMemory™ supporting Shader Model 4.0 and Microsoft® DirectX® 10 with AMD M880G Chipset
• 6-Cell Lithium Ion (4400 mAh) battery provides about 2-hours 40 minutes

Additional Photos:

• Gateway NV5378u Notebook
• Gateway NV5378u Notebook Left View
• Gateway NV5378u Notebook Keyboard
• Gateway NV5378u Notebook Right View
• Gateway NV5378u Notebook Lid Closed

Processor:

• AMD Athlon™ II X2 Dual-Core Processor M300 (2.0GHz, 667MHz FSB, 1MB L2 cache)

Display:

• 15.6” HD Widescreen Ultrabright™ LED-backlit Display
• 1366×768 resolution
• 16:9 Aspect ratio

Chipset:

• AMD M880G Chipset

Memory:

• 4096MB DDR2 Dual-Channel 667MHz Memory
• 2 x 2048MB

Video:

• ATI Radeon™ HD 4200 Graphics
• Up to 1919MB of HyperMemory™ supporting Unified Video Decoder (UVD, OpenEXR High Dynamic-Range (HDR) technology, Shader Model 4.0 and Microsoft® DirectX® 10.0

Audio:

• 2nd Generation Dolby Sound Room® Audio Enhancement, featuring Dolby® Headphone, Dolby® Natural Bass, Dolby® Sound Space Expander
• High-Definition Audio Support
• Two Built-in Stereo Speakers
• Built-in Digital Microphone

Hard Drive:

• 500GB 5400RPM SATA Hard Drive

Optical Drive:

• 8X DVD-SuperMulti Double-Layer Drive
• Read: 24X CD-ROM, 24X CD-R, 24X CD-RW, 8X DVD-ROM, 8X DVD±R, 6X DVD-ROM DL (double-layer), 6X DVD±R DL, 6X DVD±RW, 5X DVD-RAM
• Write: 24X CD-R, 16X CD-RW, 8X DVD±R, 4X DVD±R DL (double-layer), 6X DVD-RW, 8X DVD+RW, 5X DVD-RAM

Digital Media Reader:

• Multi-in-1 Digital Media Card Reader
• Secure Digital™ (SD) Card, MultiMediaCard (MMC), Memory Stick® (MS), Memory Stick PRO™ (MS PRO), xD-Picture Card™ (xD)

Communications:

• 802.11b/g/Draft-N Wi-Fi CERTIFIED
• 56K ITU V.92 ready Fax/Modem (RJ-11 port)
• 10/100/1000 Gigabit Ethernet LAN (RJ-45 port)

Interfaces:

• 4 – USB 2.0 Ports
• 1 – HDMI™ Port
• 1 – VGA Port
• 1 – Headphone/Speaker/Line-Out Jack with S/PDIF support
• 1 – Microphone-in Jack
• 1 – Ethernet (RJ-45) Port
• 1 – Modem (RJ-11) Port
• 1 – DC-in Jack for AC Adapter
• 1 – Kensington Lock Slot

Webcam:

• Built-in Webcam

Convenience Features:

• Gateway MyBackup Button
• Touchpad Lock
• Dedicated Numeric Keypad
• Multi-gesture Touchpad (supporting two finger scroll, pinch, rotate and flip)

Battery Type:

• 6-cell Li-Ion (4400 mAh) Battery

Battery Life:

• Up to 2-hour, 40-minute battery life

Dimensions:

• 14.66 (W) x 9.85 (D) x 1.12 / 1.46 (H) inches (372 (W) x 250 (D) x 28.5 / 37 (H) mm)
• Weight: 5.84 lbs., 2.65 kg (system unit only)

In the box:

• Gateway NV5378u Notebook
• Power Adapter
• Battery

Photo inset credit: CarbonNYC

“Kindle? What are you, Bob, some kind of liberal? Kindles are for books! This here’s my new remote control.”

“A remote? For a television?”

“That’s right, Bob. A big remote. The kind of remote an American can be proud to own. A remote that controls five devices the way America controls the international discourse. Without me ever having to get up.”

“So this big remote works for TVs and DVDs and cable boxes too?”

“And how, Bob! And best of all, this big remote is impossible to lose. Just like America. America doesn’t lose, Bob. Not ever.”

“Say, Frank, you think you have any Palin 2012 bumper stickers left?”

“Aw, Bob, I knew you’d come around one day. And it’s all thanks to this giant remote. What a great tool it is.”

“You’re sure right, Frank. If only there was a way to give one to every American, all over the world!”

“Maybe one day, Bob. Maybe one day.”

Warranty: 90 Day Emerson Warranty

Features:

• Replace all your remote controls with one convenient unit
• Controls up to 5 devices, TV, VCR, DVD, TV/DVD combo, TV/VCR combo, VCR/DVD Combo, Satellite, Cable
• Compatible with most major brands of AV components
• Extra large soft touch buttons
• Jumbo sized, never misplace your remote control again
• Operates on 2 AA batteries (not included)
• Dimensions: (H) 11” x (W) 5” x (D) .5”

Buttons:

• Code Search: Used to program the remote to search though codes
• Signal Indicator Light: The indicator light flashes to show that the remote is working properly
• On/Off Button: Operates the same as your original remote
• Sleep: Allows you to set a time for you to turn off your device automatically
• Guide: Brings up the on-screen TV program guide if your device has that feature
• Menu: Brings up the Main Menu
• Go Back: Allows you to go to the previous channel you selected
• Mute: Mutes the volume on the TV
• Cable, TV, VCR, DVD, SAT: Used to select the device you want to control
• 0-9: The number buttons operate the same as on your original remote, and are used for entering device codes
• Enter: Used to complete channel selection for some brads of TV. It is also used to complete the code entry process
• TV/VCR: Operates the TV/VCR function of your VCR
• Navigation buttons & OK: Used to move though on screen menu and guides. With some DBS models the INFO button should be used to select the highlighted item. Use the navigation buttons up, down, left, or right to make selection.
• Vol & CH: the Vol (Volume) and CH (Channel) buttons increase or decrease the volume or channel numbers
• Reverse, Play, Forward, Rec, Stop, Pause: These buttons are for DVD/VCR/DVR use, and operate the same as on your original VCR or remote. You must press the REC button twice to begin recording
• Input: Selects the video inputs of your TV if equipped with this feature
• Info: Shows the date and the time if your TV or VCR has that feature. Functions the sale as display button
• Clear: Removes the on screen display to return to normal viewing

In the box:

• (1) 5-Device Universal Jumbo Remote