Yeah yeah, “a lease is a lease,” I get it. Even though I haven’t had hot water for the 12 months I’ve been here. You know what a year of cold showers does to a man?! Oh, and thank you for educating me that “lessor-controlled heat” translates to “35 degrees in my apartment in winter.”

I’ll just use this Dyson DC22 Turbinehead Canister Vacuum. I don’t care if the DC23 has a bigger bin; it’s cheaper too, but that’s because this one has more power. That means more dirt off the carpet and less time picking fingernails out of my area rug.

YEAH, I BITE MY NAILS! IS THAT AGAINST YOUR PRECIOUS LEASE, TOO?!

You know what? I’m not even going to use the hard floor tool. And forget about the stair tool. I’m sick of slumlords like you pushing people like me around! You think you’re the only one in town offering a two-bedroom with a view in a great neighborhood 20 minutes from my work?

Well an extensive analysis of the rental market indicates that you are, but that’s still no reason to lord it over me!

Warranty: 5 Year Dyson

Features:

• The DC22 weighs 18% less than the DC23 (16lbs vs. 19.46 lbs)
• Level 3 Root Cyclone technology never loses suction and captures microscopic dust
• 230 consistent air watts with suction control (for curtains and delicate fabrics)
• Turbine head with air-driven brush bar can be used on any type of floor
• Dyson Digital Motor spins at 88,000 RPM (9 times faster than a Jet engine)
  
• Hygienic quick empty bin minimizes contact with dirt
• Clean Air Exhaust, air expelled has 150 times less mold and bacteria than the air you breath
• Washable HEPA filter traps microscopic allergens such as pollen
• Controls in the wand to turn machine on/off as well as to turn the brush bar on/off
• Includes the hard floor tool for improved cleaning on hard floors
• Button press cord retraction
• Telescope wrap system – hose and wand compress for easy storage
• Brushless motor
• Anti Vibration System

Specifications:

• DC22 Suction Power (constant): 230 Air Watts; (The model DC23 is less powerful with  220 Air Watts constant)
• Movement type: Fixed wheel
• Filter: Lifetime Washable HEPA filter
• Brushbar control type: On turbine head
• Cleaner head / Floor tool: Turbine head
• Digital motor driven by 5,866 digital pulses per second
• Iron Core Rotor
• Bin capacity: 0.32 gal
• Power Cord Length: 16.57 ft.

Accessories:

• Stair tool: A Dyson-designed tool for removing dust and dirt from stairs and stair carpets
• Combination accessory tool: Debris nozzle converts to a brush tool for dusting
• Hard floor tool: Improved pick-up on hard floors. Long bristles to prevent scratching or marking on wood or delicate floors

Dimensions:

• 11.46 x 15.83 x 10.35 inches (H x W x D)
• Telescopic Wand: Compressed 20 in. / Extended 39.5 in.
• Max. reach: 27.85 ft
• Cord length: 16.57 ft
• Suction Hose: 6.4 ft
• Weight: 16.07 lbs

In the box:

• Turbine Head
• Brush, Crevice and Stair Tool
• Combination Accessory Tool
• Hard Floor Tool
• Telescopic Wand
• Suction Hose

How ya doin’, Congress guys? The name’s Vince. You might’ve seen me on television with these Shamwows I’ve got here. I got it on good authority that you guys are havin’ a problem with leaks around here, so here I am to give you an opportunity to really do something about it.

Now look, I’m not here to talk about the past, alright? I’ve got several thousand of these Shamwow Towels 16 Packs in the truck of my car thanks to my severance package with the company, and I gotta feeling they’re just what your looking for to clean up this mess of yours.

You’re gonna spend, what, a few million dollars trying to keep things from leaking every year? You’re throwing money away. You use a few of these and all those leaks are gonna dry up in no time. Say you gotta a little leak that suddenly explodes into something bigger. No problem. The Shaw-Wow holds up to twelve times its weight in coffee, wine, any kind of liquid you throw at it. And you get eight large Shamwows and 8 Mini’s, so the next time somebody wants to leak all over the place, you’re more than ready, I’m tellin’ you. Got a leak in the car? Just wipe and wow. Leak in the kitchen? Wow! Leak in a far off country? Ambassador Wow! It’s just that easy.

What’s that? Information? I thought we were talkin’ about liquids here. Dang. Well, how about some chopped nuts, huh? You’re gonna love ‘em, I guarantee it.

Warranty: 90 Day Value Quest

Features:

• It’s a towel, chamois and sponge all in one
• Holds 12x its weight in liquid
• Perfect for your car, boat and many household uses
• Washes, dries, and polishes any surface
• Won’t scratch any surface
• Machine washable and bleachable
• 100% Rayon

Dimensions:

• Mini: 15” x 15”
• Large: 20” x 23.5”

Additional Photos:

• ShamWow!
• Retail Box
• 10 Gallon Water Test – Before
• 10 Gallon Water Test – During
• 10 Gallon Water Test – After

ShamWow! Music Videos:

• ShamWow! Jam
• ShamWow! Song

In the box:

• 8 Large ShamWow! Towels
• 8 Mini ShamWow! Towels

That’s right, internet friends. July 26th, 1878, was the day that Charles Boles, a.k.a. “Black Bart the Po8”, stole a safe box from a stagecoach and left a poem in its place, the sort of taunting gesture that the Internet adores. So, in his memory, we offer the HP AMD Athlon II X4 Desktop Computer. It may not be top of the line, but like “Black Bart”, it’ll get the job done.

Of course it’s all conjecture, since “Black Bart” died in 1883, but we like to think he would have enjoyed the HP AMD Athlon II X4 Desktop Computer for its 6 GB of DDR3 RAM and the 1 TB of hard drive space. Probably he would have been impressed with the DVI port, and found the 15-in-1 memory card reader to be very helpful when planning his adventures. Plus the low low price would have cut down on overhead, and that would have let “Black Bart” spend more money on whiskey and women of ill-repute! And let’s not forget, he would have needed a monitor too.

Fake name? Check. Arrogant taunting? Check. Unorthodox spelling? Check. Illegal actions on a wild frontier? Check. Let’s face it, this guy was ahead of his time. Today, we remember you, “Black Bart”. We’re sorry you were about a hundred and twenty years ahead of your time. But even still, we dedicate the HP AMD Athlon II X4 Desktop Computer to you. Because we think you would have been right at home on the Internet of today. Although somebody would have given you crap about that mustache, probably.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day HP

Features:

• AMD Athlon II X4 630 (P) 2.8 GHz (95W) with 4000 MHz HyperTransport 3.0 and Socket AM3
• 6 GB PC3-10600 MB/sec (message as PC3-8500) 240 pin, DDR3 RAM installed (Upgradeable to 16GB)
• 1 TB SATA 3G (3.0 Gb/sec) 5400rpm hard drive (drives use less power and support quieter, cooler-running desktop)
• SuperMulti DVD Burner with LightScribe Technology optical drive
• Integrated 10/100 Base-T networking interface
• High Definition 8-channel audio with ALC 888S chipset
• 15-in-1 (4 slot) memory card reader
• 6 USB 2.0 ports (2 in front, 4 in rear)
• NVIDIA GeForce 9100 video graphics chip set
• Microsoft Windows 7 Home Premium (64-bit) Operating System

Additional Photos:

• HP Pavilion p6310f Desktop Computer
• HP Pavilion p6310f Box
• HP Pavilion p6310f  Memory Card Slot, USB, Audio In and Audio Out Ports
• HP Pavilion p6310f Side Panel Removed
• HP Pavilion p6310f Rear Ports

Specifications:

In the box:

• HP Pavilion p6310f Desktop Computer
• Keyboard
• Mouse
• Power Cable

Inset photo credit: Seiya235

When I found McCormick’s, I thought: This is it. Here’s a dank, dreary, horrible little pit of a pub where I can medicate myself with liquid depressants with no distractions.

They don’t get the cheerful, after-work crowd in here. The sad, sallow faces in the mirror behind the bar all belong to dedicated, professional drinkers, winding down their careers. It’s grim. I like it like that.

I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes you wanna go where no one gives a crap what your name is. To the bartender at McCormick’s, I’m “bourbon neat.” That’s my name. That’s fine.

OK, but then the girls started coming in.

I don’t know what their story is. They moved into a nearby apartment or something. But for some unfathomable reason, they decided McCormick’s was going to be their place. And they’re ruining it.

See, these girls are happy. They’re loud. They’re bubbly. They gab. They giggle. They play “We Are Family” on the jukebox. Who even knew McCormick’s had a jukebox?

But the worst of it is the picture-taking.

I can’t imagine how voluminous these girls’ FaceBook photo albums are, because they shoot their every visit to the bar—MY bar—like it’s Lady Di’s first posthumous public appearance and they’re the paparazzi.

And they don’t even have to talk to each other about it. Like say if I was going to take a picture of myself with Floyd, the gray-faced alkie who occupies the stool two down from me—and don’t ask me why I would do such a thing, but if I was going to—I’d probably have to say “hey, Floyd, c’mere, let’s take a picture together.”

Not the girls. They’re so practiced at it that they read each other’s body language. One leans into another, and the one across the table knows to snap a photo. Another one turns her camera around to face herself, and the girls on her flanks instinctively lean in to the frame. Flash, flash, flash, flash. It’s non-stop, every time they visit. I swear, a typical Happy Hour exposes me to more duck face than the director’s cut of Treasure of the Lost Lamp.

Thank goodness for Samsung’s DualView digital camera. It’s got a one-and-a-half-inch LCD screen right on the front, so the girls can take self-portraits with each other without having to do a hundred retakes because “Jen wasn’t in the shot,” or “oh, no, I cut off our heads,” or “omigod, you aimed it right down my shirt!”

I’m telling you, everything that reduces the number of flashes is OK by me. A bar should be dark, you know?

The girls will figure it out. It’ll take them a few years, probably, and a few more disappointments. But eventually they’ll end up where I am. And where Floyd is. And where whatever his name is, the liver-spotted guy with the dyed-black Big Boy pompadour who sits at the end. After life beats down the girls like it’s beaten down us, they’ll quiet down. They won’t giggle so much. And they’ll leave their Samsung DualView cameras at home.

Because after you spend enough years in bars, and your skin slackens and your eyes go yellow? You come to a point where you really don’t want pictures.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day Samsung

Features:

• 1.5” front LCD screen great for self portraits and can play cute animations to capture kids’ attention
• 12.2 megapixel CCD capable of capturing images up to 4000 X 3000
• Record HD video in 1280×720p resolution at 30 frames per second in H.264 format
• Schneider-KREUZNACH Lens with 4.6X optical zoom  (35mm film equivalent : 27~124.2mm)
• Rear LCD Touch Screen, scroll quickly through all menus, and easily access your photo library
• Haptic vibration response registers your choices. Quickly access and use the camera’s key features with either a simple finger tap or hand gesture, using the revolutionary new Gesture UI
• Smart Auto analyzes key elements of your composition such as color, brightness, motion and subject; then automatically adjusts to take the perfect shot
• Advanced Dual Image Stabilization (IS) feature allows you to capture crystal-clear, blur-free shots without using a flash or tripod
• Optical IS compensates for hand trembling by shifting the lens in the opposite direction
• Recycle Bin, every shot is automatically stored in a temporary folder just in case you have second thoughts
• Smart Album, quickly scroll through your entire image library and organize images a multitude of ways, including; Favorite, Face, Color, Content

Additional Photos:

• Red Samsung TL220 DualView Camera
• Red Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Detail
• Red Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Memory Card Slot and Battery Compartment
• Red Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Touch Screen LCD
• Blue Samsung TL220 DualView Camera
• Blue Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Detail
• Blue Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Memory Card Slot and Battery Compartment
• Blue Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Touch Screen LCD

Specifications:

In the box:

• Samsung TL220 DualView 12MP Digital Camera
• Battery
• USB Cable
• Power Cable

When I found McCormick’s, I thought: This is it. Here’s a dank, dreary, horrible little pit of a pub where I can medicate myself with liquid depressants with no distractions.

They don’t get the cheerful, after-work crowd in here. The sad, sallow faces in the mirror behind the bar all belong to dedicated, professional drinkers, winding down their careers. It’s grim. I like it like that.

I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes you wanna go where no one gives a crap what your name is. To the bartender at McCormick’s, I’m “bourbon neat.” That’s my name. That’s fine.

OK, but then the girls started coming in.

I don’t know what their story is. They moved into a nearby apartment or something. But for some unfathomable reason, they decided McCormick’s was going to be their place. And they’re ruining it.

See, these girls are happy. They’re loud. They’re bubbly. They gab. They giggle. They play “We Are Family” on the jukebox. Who even knew McCormick’s had a jukebox?

But the worst of it is the picture-taking.

I can’t imagine how voluminous these girls’ FaceBook photo albums are, because they shoot their every visit to the bar—MY bar—like it’s Lady Di’s first posthumous public appearance and they’re the paparazzi.

And they don’t even have to talk to each other about it. Like say if I was going to take a picture of myself with Floyd, the gray-faced alkie who occupies the stool two down from me—and don’t ask me why I would do such a thing, but if I was going to—I’d probably have to say “hey, Floyd, c’mere, let’s take a picture together.”

Not the girls. They’re so practiced at it that they read each other’s body language. One leans into another, and the one across the table knows to snap a photo. Another one turns her camera around to face herself, and the girls on her flanks instinctively lean in to the frame. Flash, flash, flash, flash. It’s non-stop, every time they visit. I swear, a typical Happy Hour exposes me to more duck face than the director’s cut of Treasure of the Lost Lamp.

Thank goodness for Samsung’s DualView digital camera. It’s got a one-and-a-half-inch LCD screen right on the front, so the girls can take self-portraits with each other without having to do a hundred retakes because “Jen wasn’t in the shot,” or “oh, no, I cut off our heads,” or “omigod, you aimed it right down my shirt!”

I’m telling you, everything that reduces the number of flashes is OK by me. A bar should be dark, you know?

The girls will figure it out. It’ll take them a few years, probably, and a few more disappointments. But eventually they’ll end up where I am. And where Floyd is. And where whatever his name is, the liver-spotted guy with the dyed-black Big Boy pompadour who sits at the end. After life beats down the girls like it’s beaten down us, they’ll quiet down. They won’t giggle so much. And they’ll leave their Samsung DualView cameras at home.

Because after you spend enough years in bars, and your skin slackens and your eyes go yellow? You come to a point where you really don’t want pictures.

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day Samsung

Features:

• 1.5” front LCD screen great for self portraits and can play cute animations to capture kids’ attention
• 12.2 megapixel CCD capable of capturing images up to 4000 X 3000
• Record HD video in 1280×720p resolution at 30 frames per second in H.264 format
• Schneider-KREUZNACH Lens with 4.6X optical zoom  (35mm film equivalent : 27~124.2mm)
• Rear LCD Touch Screen, scroll quickly through all menus, and easily access your photo library
• Haptic vibration response registers your choices. Quickly access and use the camera’s key features with either a simple finger tap or hand gesture, using the revolutionary new Gesture UI
• Smart Auto analyzes key elements of your composition such as color, brightness, motion and subject; then automatically adjusts to take the perfect shot
• Advanced Dual Image Stabilization (IS) feature allows you to capture crystal-clear, blur-free shots without using a flash or tripod
• Optical IS compensates for hand trembling by shifting the lens in the opposite direction
• Recycle Bin, every shot is automatically stored in a temporary folder just in case you have second thoughts
• Smart Album, quickly scroll through your entire image library and organize images a multitude of ways, including; Favorite, Face, Color, Content

Additional Photos:

• Red Samsung TL220 DualView Camera
• Red Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Detail
• Red Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Memory Card Slot and Battery Compartment
• Red Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Touch Screen LCD
• Blue Samsung TL220 DualView Camera
• Blue Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Detail
• Blue Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Memory Card Slot and Battery Compartment
• Blue Samsung TL220 DualView Camera Touch Screen LCD

Specifications:

In the box:

• Samsung TL220 DualView 12MP Digital Camera
• Battery
• USB Cable
• Power Cable

Sure, some people could conceivably buy this SOG Outdoor Package and use it for its intended purposes: the entrenching tool for digging foxholes and tiger traps, the hand axe for chopping firewood, and the camp saw for crafting a shelter or making IKEA furniture.

Of course given that you’re browsing a deal-a-day website on a Saturday, probably in your underwear (we have a great market research team) we’d have to guess the odds of you actually taking this stuff out into the woods are slim.

Judging by the vitriol in our forums and on our Twitter feeds, though, you probably do have quite a bit of baseless, fiery rage waiting to bubble over. In which case we’d advise you to wait two weeks and administer some sort of background to yourself.

But definitely don’t buy these thinking you’re going to go administer some kind of street justice. If you can’t even be bothered to go camping once in awhile you’re probably just going to hurt yourself.

Warranty: 1 Year SOG

• Compact folding shovel and pick
• All-steel construction entrenching tool uses a tempered steel blade with teeth cut into one side for cutting and slashing
• Triangular handle is strong and fits the hand well
• Folded, the entrenching tool takes up about the same space as a stack of paper plates — 7.5″ x 5″ x 2.5″ (L x W x H)
• Includes nylon sheath

Specifications:

• Length: 18.25” (46.4 cm)
• Closed Length: 7.25” (18.4 cm)
• Weight: 24.5 oz. (693 g)
• Edge: Straight
• Steel: High Carbon
• Handle: Steel
• Finish: Black Powder Coated
• Sheath: Nylon

• Camp axe designed for chopping and cutting wood
• Contoured textured G10 handle for a more aggressive grip
• Razor-sharp 420 stainless steel
• Non-reflective hard-cased black coating
• Includes nylon sheath

Specifications:

• Blade Length: 2.4” x 0.186″(6.1 cm x 4.7 mm)
• Overall Length: 11.1” (28.2 cm)
• Weight: 18.6 oz. (526 g)
• Edge: Straight
• Steel: 420
• HRC: 51-53
• Handle: G10
• Finish: Black Oxide
• Sheath: Nylon

• Essential piece of survival equipment
• Perfect for camping and hunting
• 7.88” blade of hardened and tempered steel that makes short order of branches, small logs, and brush
• Comfortable kraton rubber handle with stainless steel liners helps to cut deep and true on each and every pull stroke
• Extremely sharp teeth are differentially tempered for long life and work on green as well as hard wood
• Includes nylon sheath

Specifications:

• Length: 17.25” (43.8 cm)
• Blade: 7.88” (20 cm)
• Closed Length: 9.5” (24.1 cm)
• Weight: 8.6 oz. (243 g)
• Edge: Saw
• Steel: High Carbon
• Handle: Soft Grip TPR
• Finish: Black Powder Coated
• Sheath: Nylon

Additional Photos:

• Folding Camp Saw, Entrenching Tool, and Hand Axe
• Package Contents: Folding Camp Saw, Entrenching Tool, and Hand Axe with Nylon Sheaths
  
• Entrenching Tool
  
• Entrenching Tool (Folded)
  
• Hand Axe
  
• Folding Camp Saw (Opened)
  
• Folding Camp Saw (Closed)

Additional Information:

• Package Weight: 4 lbs.
• Package Dimensions: 12.75″ x 6.75″ x 4 ” (L x W x H)

In the box:

• (1) SOG Entrenching Tool with Nylon Sheath (F08)
• (1) SOG Hand Axe with Nylon Sheath (F09)
• (1) SOG Folding Camp Saw with Nylon Sheath (F10)

Adult signature required

Yeah, money’s a little tight right now, but this is IMPORTANT. We’re talking 8GB of media storage capacity and tens of thousands of handy apps right in your pocket! What’s it going to take to explain to your significant other that Genius Mixes and a 3.5-inch widescreen multi-touch display with 480-by-320-pixel resolution are more important than silly stuff like rent or food?

Maybe a message from The Future might help.

Step 1 – Creative Writing

Imagine that you’re the last survivor of an Earth torn apart by some apocalyptic event. Robots, zombies, aliens, global apathy, whatever. Describe the suffering of humanity in as much gory detail as possible. Somewhere between the paragraph concerning the love between you and your spouse staying strong in the face of extinction and the one where he or she dies in your arms, make sure to note how the two of you met a scientist that could have saved the entire world if you had only had an Apple 8GB iPod Touch for some cockamamie reason. The reason won’t matter so much as the last few lines in which you tell your spouse that you hope that a better future awaits everyone.

Step 2 – Authenticity

You can’t just hand over the letter the way it is. You’ll need a little extra production value to pull this off. Try crumpling and tearing the paper. Aging the letter in tea could have a nice effect. You might try pricking a finger and getting a little blood on it, too. Not only will that drive home that the future is a horrible place, but it’ll add a little legitimacy to the letter. After all, who’d be crazy enough to smear their own blood on a piece of paper for an iPod Touch?

Next, find a cylindrical metal container. Place the letter inside with a little dry ice so that you get that nice “from the future” look when it’s opened.

Finally, bury it in the backyard. That way, when you tell your spouse your going outside to dig some holes later that day, they won’t get suspicious.

Step 3 – Jackpot

Call out to your husband or wife when you “uncover” the capsule. Don’t be the one to open it. Let them do it. Just watch knowingly as they read about the terrible things you had to go through to get that message “back to the past”. One of two things will happen. Either they’ll throw their arms around you and whisper “Yes, honey. Yes, you can have an Apple 8GB iPod Touch.” in your ear as they sob gently, OR they’ll be so angry that you took so much time out of your household chores to put this ruse together that they’ll throw their hands up and shout “FINE! JUST BUY ONE ALREADY! BUY THREE, FOR ALL I CARE! THE BABY CAN JUST EAT RAMEN FOR THE NEXT MONTH!” Either way, SCORE!

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 90 Day Woot Limited Warranty

Features:

• 8GB capacity for 1750 songs, 10,000 iPod viewable photos or 10 hours of video
• Up to 30 hours of music playback or 6 hours of video playback when fully charged
• 3.5-inch widescreen multi-touch display with 480-by-320-pixel resolution
• Immerse yourself in games made for iPod touch. Shop the App Store to add new ones with just a few taps
• Built-in speaker
• Surf the web. Get rich HTML email — including attachments — that looks the same as it does on your computer
• Pioneering technology and a brilliant 3.5-inch screen bring an amazing experience to your music, movies, and more
• Genius Mixes, acts as your personal DJ, searching your iTunes library to find songs that go great together, then organizing them into mixes you’ll love. All automatically

Specifications:

• Size and Weight: 4.3×2.4×0.33 inches, 4.05 ounces
• Display: 3.5-inch (diagonal) widescreen Multi-Touch display, 480-by-320-pixel resolution at 163 pixels per inch
• Battery Type: Built-in rechargeable lithium ion battery
• Battery Life: Up to 30 hours of music playback; up to 6 hours of video playback
• Ports: Dock connector, stereo mini-jack
• Connectivity: USB through dock connector; component and composite video through dock connector (with AV cables, sold separately); audio through headphone jack
• Wireless Data: Wi-Fi (802.11b/g), Nike + iPod support built in, Maps location-based service, Bluetooth 2.1 + EDR
• Audio Frequency Response: 20Hz to 20,000Hz
• Audio Formats Supported: AAC (16 to 320 Kbps), Protected AAC (from iTunes Store), MP3 (16 to 320 Kbps), MP3 VBR, Audible (formats 2, 3, and 4), Apple Lossless, WAV, and AIFF
• Photo Support: Syncs iPod-viewable photos in JPEG, BMP, GIF, TIFF, PSD (Mac only), and PNG formats
• TV Out Support: 480p and 576p
• Video Support: H.264 video, up to 1.5 Mbps, 640 by 480 pixels, 30 frames per second, Low-Complexity version of the H.264 Baseline Profile with AAC-LC audio up to 160 Kbps, 48kHz, stereo audio in .m4v, .mp4, and .mov file formats; H.264 video, up to 2.5 Mbps, 640 by 480 pixels, 30 frames per second, Baseline Profile up to Level 3.0 with AAC-LC audio up to 160 Kbps, 48kHz, stereo audio in .m4v, .mp4, and .mov file formats; MPEG-4 video, up to 2.5 Mbps, 640 by 480 pixels, 30 frames per second, Simple Profile with AAC-LC audio up to 160 Kbps, 48kHz, stereo audio in .m4v, .mp4, and .mov file formats
• Environmental Requirements: Operating temperature: 32° to 95° F (0° to 35° C); Nonoperating temperature: -4° to 113° F (-20° to 45° C), Relative humidity: 5% to 95% noncondensing
• Maximum operating altitude: 10,000 feet (3000 m)

In the box:

• (1) 8GB iPod Touch
• Headphones
• Dock Connector to USB Cable

Current Generation Note:

• iPod Touch 32GB and 64GB models have faster preformace and the Voice Control feature. The 8GB iPod Touch does not.

If there’s one thing I hate – and lemme tell you, there’s a lot more than one thing I hate – it’s know-it-all smarty-pants eggheads trying to put me down. Just because I don’t waste two hours every Sunday watching 60 Minutes don’t make me an idiot.

So, Mr. Michelin 5100 Smart 8 Gauge Jumper Cables, you think you’re all that and a bag of microchips? Pfft. Big deal that you can tell which battery terminal is positive or negative. So can I, most of the time. Besides, maybe sometimes I want to start an explosive fire, destroy two cars and severely injure myself. Ever think of that? You might know a lot about electrical polarity but you don’t know diddly about real people like me.

So I’ll keep doing it the old-fashioned way, thank you very much. If an intense electrical shock every once in a while was good enough for my Dad, it’s good enough for me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, Mr. Super-Genius Einstein Jumper Cables, I need to go study for my urine test.

Warranty: 1 Year Michelin

Features:

• No guesswork, green indicator lights confirm correct connection
• No sparking or shorting, When clamps are attached the polarity is adjusted automatically
• Built-in surge protector prevents damage to the vehicle computer and electronics
• Textured grips and flexible cables are easy to handle, even in cold weather
• 12 Foot cables are constructed using heavy 8-gauge copper clad aluminum

Four Step Process:

• 1.) With the ignition of both vehicles in the off position, connect one set of clamps to the assisting vehicle battery, one clamp to each battery terminal – polarity does not matter
• 2.) Connect the other set of clamps to the disabled vehicle battery – first clamp to the positive battery terminal and the second clamp to metal on the vehicle engine block/frame
• 3.) Both green indicator lights should illuminate on the center module – if not adjust the clamps until they do
• 4.) Start the assisting vehicle and allow to idle for about 30 seconds. Start the disabled vehicle. When it’s running, disconnect the clamp from the engine block/frame then disconnect the remaining clamps in any order

Additional Photos:

• Textured Grip
• Green Indicator Lights Illuminate on the Center Module to Confirm Correct Polarity

In the box:

• Michelin 5100 Smart 8 Gauge Jumper Cables with Automatic Polarity Adjustment

On this beautiful day, Goldilocks arrived at her job with a major player in the world of ursine retail. Each day, Goldilocks would be expected to cold-call a new bear and try to sell them on a specific type of speaker. But each day, the new bears would roar dramatically and then hang up. And it had gone this way for two weeks! Goldilocks began to be very worried. Her boss had said that her numbers were way down, and she didn’t have long to improve before she was going to be canned. And so, on this beautiful day, Goldilocks went to the badger that handled stock and said “Oh, Mister Badger, can’t you please help me?” And Mister Badger didn’t say anything, because badgers can’t talk. But he did snarl in the direction of an Altec Lansing Expressionist PLUS 2.1 Speaker System. So Goldilocks took that as a sign.

Back at her desk, Goldilocks tested out her new acquisition. She was impressed with the crystal-clear sound of the 2” speaker drivers, as well as the 5.25” desktop subwoofer, but would it be enough to win over a bear? Goldilocks heard her boss make that condemning coughing noise from his usual place in her blind spot. She put on her headset. It was now or never!

“Grawwwr?” said a small voice on the other end of the line. Goldilocks knew right away, it was a baby bear that had picked up the phone by mistake. Then, suddenly, there was a click, and another person joined the line. Goldilocks felt her stomach flip, as she realized that she was now in between a mother bear and her cub! The most dangerous place a salesperson could be!

“Grawwwwwr!” said the momma bear. Goldilocks thought fast. “Yes, ma’am, but did you know that the Altec Lansing Expressionist PLUS 2.1 Speaker System has an Aux In jack, for use with CD player, DVD players, and almost every MP3 device? It’s the perfect speaker set when you just want some quiet music at your desk. Does Mr. Bear have a desk, ma’am?”

“Grawwwwr.” said the momma bear. Goldilocks laughed, remembering the techniques she learned from an Og Mandino book. “That’s a good point, ma’am!” Goldilocks replied, “but surely, the Altec Lansing Expressionist PLUS 2.1 Speaker System wouldn’t be too small for your husband or too large for your child. In fact, if you consider what it is able to do, I’d say that the Altec Lansing Expressionist PLUS 2.1 Speaker System is… just right?”

Goldilocks heard the sound of large paws against a purse, and then, the sound of beeps as the momma bear began entering her credit card number. Goldilocks turned towards her boss, just in time to see him giving her a thumbs up. She had done it! She had done it at last!

That night, as Goldilocks left work to visit her parole officer, she made herself a solemn vow. Never again would she break into people’s houses. That had already cost her twenty years of her life. Now, she was an Altec Lansing Expressionist PLUS 2.1 Speaker System saleswoman. Now, she was going legit!

Authorized for SquareTrade Extended Warranty

Warranty: 1 Year Altec Lansing

Features:

• Compact speaker system for computer, CD, DVD & MP3 players with powerful, deep, rich sound
• Crystal-clear sound: precision-engineered 2″ speaker drivers deliver pure, distinct, full-spectrum audio
• Convenient design: adjustable base lets you direct the sound straight to your ears
• Audio alignment: drivers, enclosure and electronics are balanced for optimum sound
• Desktop subwoofer: whether it is placed on top or tucked under your desk, your space will be filled with exceptional bass from this down-firing, long-throw 5.25′ woofer
• Built-in power and volume controls are at your fingertips
• AUX IN Jack for connecting portable CD, DVD and MP3 players makes setup simple and easy
• Satellite speakers and subwoofer are encased in high-quality plastic with a black, high-gloss finish
• The top surface of the subwoofer is gray metallic with a black, rubber-coated, system power control/subwoofer volume control button
• A metallic gray, radial base support each satellite allowing you to adjust the angle of the speakers

Additional Photos:

Specifications:

• Two 2″ (50 mm) full-range drivers
• 5.25″ (135 mm) woofer
• Sound Pressure Level (SPL): 93 dB
• Total Continuous Power: 33 Watts RMS
• Each Speaker: 4 Watts per Channel @ 8 Ohms @ 10% THD @ 180 Hz – 20 kHz Both Channels Loaded
• Subwoofer: 28 Watts @ 4 ohms @ 10 % THD @ 50 Hz – 180 Hz Single Channel Loaded
• System Response: 40 Hz – 20 kHz (-10 dB)
• Signal to Noise Ratio @ 1 kHz input: > 72 dB
• Satellite Dimensions: 5.2″ (W) x 4.2″ (D) x 4.9′ (H) — 131 mm (W) x 107 mm (D) x 124 mm (H)
• Subwoofer Dimensions: 10.4″ (Diameter) x 6.1″ (H) — 263 mm (Diameter) x 156 mm (H)
• 2-Prong Power Adapter: 2″ x 3″ x 1.25″

In the box:

• Altec Lansing Expressionist PLUS 2.1 Speaker System
• 3.5 mm Audio Cable
• Power Adapter
• User’s Guide and Quick Connect Guide

Whew! Thank goodness you’re still here, Mr. Corn. Sorry, I’m a little late but, wouldn’t you know it, I overslept. I’ve been having the strangest dreams lately, you know? HA HA heh ha. That’s was a little joke. You know, ‘cause of what you… You know what? Forget I said anything. You just fiddling with that little top thing you’ve got there, buddy, and we’ll get down to business.

Anyway, here’s the deal. I represent a company with certain interests in your line of work. Marketing interests, to be exact. All we need from you and your team is the implantation of a tiny little idea concerning a two-pack of Gilmour Polymer Impulse Sprinklers and how much the subject would like to purchase one. Nothing too crazy, you understand, but with a little pizzazz. Like, maybe you could whip up something involving a magical green grove of unicorns and robots all playing on the healthiest grass in the kingdom thanks to the sprinklers’ 5800 square feet water coverage and spike base that barely leaves a noticeable mark on your lawn. You do unicorns and robots, right? No? Not even elves? Really? So what DO you do? Trains and crumbling buildings? Jeez, for what you charge, I figured you guys had a little more imagination.

Oh, I see. “Keep the idea simple”. Got it. How about “I want one!” or “In for 3”? That’s pretty simple, right? Oh, and if you could implant the idea in about 20,000 people by morn… Uh, Mr. Corn? Would you mind not spinning that thing while I’m talking to you? It’s a little distracting. Thanks.

Warranty: Lifetime Gilmour

Features:

• Patented impulse arm saves water by eliminating back and side splash
• Control the distance of the spray with an easy top knob and set a lever to control how full a circle the water will cover
• Diffuser screw allows for a heavy stream or a fine spray of water
• Spike base lets you choose how high off the ground you want the sprinkler head, and also holds it firmly in the ground
• Water all or part of an 86 foot circle, water coverage up to 5800 square feet

Additional Photos:

• Gilmour 993NS Impulse Sprinkler
• Distance Control Knob
• Diffuser Screw

In the box:

• 2 Gilmour 993NS Polymer Impulse Lawn Sprinklers with Polymer Spike